Are vasectomies a financially wise thing to do. If you’re a man thinking of getting a vasectomy…or if you’re a very sneaky wife or girlfriend who plans on make a GENERAL PHYSICAL appointment for your partner only to ***surprise*** plan the vasectomy you may be wondering how much they cost and if they’re financially viable or even a wise investment move. Well, I can tell you from personal experience of my own vasectomy that there are lots of things to consider…like the jock strap and icing process afterwards that make you feel like a fat, hairy ballerina auditioning for Disney on ice. That’s what we’re discussing right here, right now.
Good morning afternoon or evening, I’m mortgage Jon a licensed mortgage broker operating here in Calabasas, CA land of the Kardashians where with every 10th pilates class you get a coupon for your next plastic surgery. – PAUSE – I mean, it doesn’t have to be a serious operation it could be a whole list of things things like a tummy tuck, breast implants, lip fillers, even some laser hair removal, cool sculpting – if you think that’s real, botox, some people even just botox their armpits so they don’t sweat so much it’s a real thing. I swear.
On this website I go over everything you need to know about the mortgage, real estate and personal finance world and, just like in this post, that includes covering very intimate topics like getting the ol’ snip snip of the vas def. That’s what all the cool kids are calling a vasectomy these days by the way – the snip snip vas def. And by cool kids I mean men pushing forty who are desperately trying to hold on to the last drop of youth they have before turning the corner to their mid-life crisis. -#self-aware.
You may not know this about me but I am a father of four which I recently found out is a horrible way to start a suicide note. And since my wife is a therapist I have to make sure that I put in this little legal disclaimer stating I have not created a plan nor have I any intention of self-harm, I merely had suicidal ideations that were fleeting and not acted upon in any way.. Please do not try to enforce a 5150 based on this blog post.
Kids are wonderful but sometimes they also suck. Okay, most of the time they suck…Pretty much all the time. And they bring home lots of stuff from school. I don’t know if there’s this conspiracy to ruin parents furniture with all the stupid glue and craft projects that they make in preschool, but I can tell you that with all this damn glitter my house is starting to look like a stripper convention. And another thing, can we cool it on the pipe cleaner jewelry? Yes, it’s fuzzy on the outside but it’s still a wire and when you make me a bracelet that starts cutting through the skin on my wrist it takes a while to explain to my therapist that I’m not cutting myself, I’m actually just a good father.
I remember after I had my third kid I considered having a vasectomy and I consulted my rabbi. And…just for the record…my rabbi’s not one of those smiling, clean shaven plays guitar and sings Kumbaya on Friday night services. He’s a proper bespectacled, black hat wearing, might as well be Amish type of rabbi. Just imagine the most devout catholic priest you can think of with a Santa Clause beard and seven or eight kids – that’s my rabbi.
The conversation went something like this. “Hello, rabbi…oh he’s out of town in Israel. I had a question for him – yes I guess I could email him…dear Rabbi, I’ve been considering getting a vasectomy, I can’t take the pressure of being a father for another child and it’s had a severe effect on my mental and emotional health not to mention nearly put my family on the brink of financial ruin and my marriage in jeopardy of divorce….send” His response was “In Israel, bad idea, can to wait maybe till come back – ?…please excuse typos this was sent from my iPhone.”
So after I had my fourth kid and was considering my vasectomy my rabbi heard and reached out to me to discuss and I handle it a little differently. Reject call. Problem solved.
Let’s get down to numbers though. How much does a vasectomy cost? Well, if you don’t have the proper insurance that covers a vasectomy and you’re looking to pay for it in cash it’s going to range pretty drastically on your area but plan on anywhere from $2,000 – $5,000. But, and this is a big but, if you’re lucky enough to be a patient of Kaiser like I am, they’re smart enough to realize that if your genius multiple kid family is planning on having yet another child that fits into the family plan where everything is covered under the same co-pay then your vasectomy, which prevents them from covering yet another one of your spawn, might cost as little as $50. Cha ching – we love savings here on mortgage Jon don’t we?
Pro-tip, if you have a nice Jewish mother like I do, make sure she drives you to the vasectomy appointment because while you’re filling out paperwork, she’s going to sneak her credit card into the copay scanner to cover that $50. It’s almost a reflex for Jewish mom’s like paying for lunch. But to make sure God doesn’t get mad she’ll turn to you while they’re signing the digital pad and voice her disapproval. “Just so you know, I don’t think this is a good idea” – “You couldn’t mention this before giving me a ride to the hospital, mom?” “Well, we’re already here so don’t make the doctor wait.”
The question for those of you without insurance becomes quite simple, does the two or even five thousand dollar price tag of a vasectomy make financial sense? Really, that’s not even the right question, the question should be can you afford not to get a vasectomy? If your wife is not planning on breastfeeding and you’re using formula that’s going to run you about $1,200 – $1,500 a year…and even if your wife does plan on breastfeeding chances are you’re going to need one of those industrial strength pumps. Those things ain’t cheap and will run you a few hundred bucks – not to mention turn your wife into a sexless dairy farm.
Seriously, you’re going to wake up at two in the morning to the sight of your wife reading a people magazine while hoses are attached to her you know what and you hear that SHUGA SHUGA SHUGA SHUGA noise for a half hour straight. I’m convinced that the streets of hell are lined with women attached to breast pumps.
Then you’re going to suddenly be pushed to buy a second freezer to store all of this excess milk so that’s going to run you another couple hundred bucks plus the cost of electricity…really you come out cost neutral on the baby food…but let’s not forget diapers, clothes, and the 18 years of expenses you are about to incur.
From a purely financial standpoint having kids is perhaps the worst financial move you can make and even if the cost of a vasectomy was over $20,000 I’m sure that while finding a way to finance it might sting a little, it won’t burn nearly as much as the anal probe of a financial audit that a preschool enforces when you ask for some financial aid or scholarship. No joke, they literally ask for more financial documents and paperwork then when I get someone to buy a house. I’m frankly surprised they didn’t ask for a urine sample. – although if the interview doesn’t go well I guess you can leave one on the side of the building.
And if you compare the snip snip procedure to the cost of condoms you’ll use over your lifetime it still comes out to being a wise move over time plus it’s just a lot more effective – have you ever heard of heard of someone saying oops my vasectomy tore maybe we should go get the morning after pill.
By the way, just so you’re well aware of the procedure, after the seven or eight times they make you sign something acknowledging that you’re never going to be able to have kids again they’re going to put you in stirrups like you’re a woman dilated to 8cm and about to pop a kid out from between your manly thighs.
You’re going to have a newfound respect for women after this. It feels like you’re a flayed chicken about to be stuffed with some rice pilaf or something…and the doctors who do this tend to specialize in this procedure so they’re doing like 20 of these a day – for them it’s like no biggy but their cutting and snipping and tying and cauterizing things down there that you didn’t even know you had while reciting a rehearsed speech about the aftercare instructions. If you ever want to know what it feels like to be a science experiment – I’m pretty sure this gets damn near close! Perhaps a glass or two of ye ol jackie daniels before mozing on over in your medical gown might have been a good idea…but I’m not a doctor so you know…maybe don’t.
In all seriousness I love my kids more than anything. They are the light of my life and the reason I have motivation to push harder in business, wake up in the morning and why I still look forward to coming home everyday. If you don’t have kids and are considering getting a vasectomy I would highly urge you to hold off and really give it some thought. Being a parent is the most rewarding thing you can do with your life. But if you’re like me and have four kids already then WHY HAVEN’T YOU BOOKED YOUR APPOINTMENT YET!!!